I was too young when I died. Most people will say that, but honestly, I was young in the way it counts. I had just really started to get it. To realise that there was a whole world outside of mine and instead of being liberated by it or excited, I found it overwhelming. It intimidated me and it made me hardnosed and stubborn. I kept butting my head against the unknown, daring it to fight me. Come on! Come and have a go!
And it did. Twice. The first, the unsuccessful, attempt was on the way to Sweden. I had taken two Valiums, or at least two pills that I thought were Valium. I’d bought them from my friend’s ex boyfriend, a guy I shouldn’t even have been talking to, let alone buying drugs from. I’d never taken any drugs before and never would take anything like it again, so to say it was out of character would be true but also, a boring cliche, so I won’t.
The thing was- I’d been having nightmares. Proper scream-inducing, jolting out of bed and wrestling with the covers level nightmares and they started just before the holiday.
It went like this: I’d be walking up to the AirBnB we had booked. Surrounding the AirBnB was a tall green hedge, circular, like a moat between us and the rest of the world. Every time I turned around, the hedge was right behind me, no matter how far forward I walked, how much closer to the door I got. I’d look to the left and the hedge would be there. I’d look to the right and the hedge would be there. I put the key in the door and I could feel the hedge against my back. I’d turn the key and the branches would be pressing in on me. I had no time, no space to open the door before I was slammed up against it, the branches of the hedge starting to pierce my skin.
I know what you’re thinking: She’s scared of a hedge? Everyone I’ve ever told started off with sympathetic eyes but as soon as they heard that a hedge was trying to kill me, their eyes would glaze over. I’d see them mentally check out. Even the most polite ones. The rude ones just out and out laughed.
As I got older (if you can call it that), I realised that the people who laughed probably recognised the fear better than anyone else. They’d almost always grip their seat as I described my face being crushed against the wooden door as thorns punctured my cheeks. It’s crazy how a person can cry and laugh all at the same time.
After two weeks of that same dream, I called the person I shouldn’t have been in contact with. He agreed to give me some of his Dad’s pills if I gave him information on my friend. He assured me it was above board. He just wanted to know if she was seeing who he thought she was seeing now, and whether they’d started talking before or after he’d finished with her. I lied. He’d asked for information, he hadn’t asked for the truth. When I met up with him to get the pills, he asked me if she still mentioned him.
I said, ‘Yeah. Apparently one night she called your name out in bed. By accident. Or so she said. Maybe they’re into that, though. I don’t know.’
He nodded and handed over the pills.
‘You’re a bad friend.’ He laughed as he walked away.
Maybe to you.
So that’s how I ended up on the plane with 2 pills that definitely weren’t Valium. I popped them like they were paracetamol. I was waiting to melt into a dreamless sleep but the opposite happened.
I got real sweaty and head high. I couldn’t sit still and at some point, I started crying but I don’t know when or why. I just remember my friend asking me why her blanket was wet and I guess I had been using it to hide my face? Who knows. I made it to the bathroom just as my heart started to beat out of my chest. Literally. I am so sure I could see it moving, forcing my whole ribcage forwards and backward and I slumped to the ground thinking this was the end. Thinking, Well, you’ve done it this time. You really have done it this time.
I leaned against the toilet. Just about able to cross my fingers. Willing myself not to die on an Easyjet flight.
To this day I still don’t know what he gave me. A couple of years later, he died of an overdose himself, so I guess he probably doesn’t know either.